Published on March 25, 2026
Jazz pushes boundaries. It has ambiguity. It makes people think. That’s why some dislike it. And if you’re a jazz musician, this could become an issue. You never know when someone will have heard too many notes and become violent. Luckily, there’s a lot you can do to protect yourself.
This is your first line of defense. Your music should do a good enough job of keeping would-be listeners or attackers away. Few seek out jazz on purpose, but if you find yourself playing in a public space—like a bar or some dreadful gazebo—there’s a risk that your improvisational sounds may provoke anger. The confusion of free-playing can drive a listener to what musicologists term a “jazz-chosis,” a state of violent psychosis borne from their failed quest for coherent melody. But don’t soil your slacks yet; your music isn’t your only weapon.
Unless you’ve made every wrong choice and ended up as a jazz singer, you’re likely holding an instrument you could use to defend yourself. Drummers, for example, can wield brushes for eye gouging, making their drums sound like absurd rain. Saxophone players might transform their honking horns into makeshift baseball bats for brain bashing. Trombonists can slide their instruments over an assailant’s neck, mimicking cartoonish chokeholds. Bass players, usually sturdier fellows, should be able to handle themselves, while leaner bassists might be best advised to squeeze into the F-holes of their instruments for cover.
Those stands holding onto your sheet music have multiple parts that can inflict rhapsodic violence. If an attacker isn’t clad in a turtleneck—and they likely won’t be, given their aversion to jazz—you might use the tray to deliver a sharp throat slash. The stand can also serve as an easy spear.
Your instinct may be to aim for the head, but heads are notoriously mobile. Think of someone swaying to music that isn’t jazz; their head bops to the beat because they can find it. You’ll want to target the body instead. It can be surprisingly simple to impale someone running at you if you can time it right.
It’s perfectly acceptable to remove your sunglasses once in a while. You might even leave your hat on. Everyone will still recognize you as the jazziest cat in town; you were simply taking a moment. However, if you do take off your sunglasses, you’ll have improved visibility to protect yourself from incoming threats.
But let’s be real, you’re probably going to keep them on, right?
Now, let’s broach a sensitive topic: heroin. This isn’t just for tricking yourself into enjoying jazz—though the drug is undeniably perilous. Some people have even died from its use. However, for the sake of self-defense, having a couple of pre-loaded syringes while you perform may be beneficial.
Worried about accidentally sticking yourself? Why would that matter? Heroin numbs pain, giving you an advantage when facing down an aggressive assailant. And don’t forget, you have multiple syringes—so even if you take a hit, you’ll have supplies on hand. When the moment arises, aim for softer targets like the neck or groin to make your mark.
Getting attacked can lead to immense stress. Your nerves will be frazzled, and it’s worth remembering that no one truly understands your music—and, , you. So take it easy! Step aside, light a cigarette, and perhaps offer one to your attacker. Engage them in conversation about the music they enjoy, listen intently, and then let them know how it traces back to jazz. Just be prepared for another punch when they don’t appreciate your perspective.
Finally, if all else fails, there’s smooth jazz. This is your Hail Mary. Employ your jazz skills to blend your signature style with a more palatable pop sensibility. Resist the urge to veer away from melody; instead, lean into a line that your attacker can follow. If it works, their body may begin to respond—shuffling feet, swaying shoulders. They may even break into dancing, a form of enjoyment that might culminate in applause, or “clapter”—a curious mixture of clapping and laughter. It may feel unsettling and foreign, but this can mean they’ve genuinely appreciated your music. Perhaps they’ll invite you to play again. Who knows? They might even offer to pay you. Maybe this should’ve been your first tactic. My bad.